Friday, April 11, 2014

Skate Team Classifieds- Part 1

To put it simply, I think oversimplification is probably the easiest way to change the
way you think about something. Physicists use this tactic of simplification in virtually everything they do to make calculations more feasible, which is why many of you may have been wondering why your teacher in high school physics was always talking about spherical objects moving in a vacuum, strings always being thin with no mass, all surfaces being smooth (unless you talking about friction specifically) and bars always being perfectly rigid.

So lately, I've been applying this to other things that are hard to understand. Brand images, for example, are often nebulous and difficult to exactly describe. I mean, how do you describe Real's image?

 Minimalist, I guess? What about Plan B?
... Minimalist, I guess?

The point is, it's hard to pinpoint all of the distinctions that make a skateboarding brand special. Somehow, though, there usually seems to be a very set idea about what skaters fit well on what teams, despite the overall complexity involved in trying to explain what a brand is all about. Therefore, in the spirit of simplification, I decided that it would be both fun and beneficial to play out the following scenario:

If every professional and amateur skateboarder suddenly went on strike, and newspapers were still a thing, what would each company post as a classified ad in order to recruit skaters?

These are my best efforts. Feel free to add your own in the comments:

Dudes who can blast some neck-high frontside airs and aren't too cool to do a boneless every now and then. Must be willing to hopelessly carry on the legacy of John Cardiel. Call Anti Hero Skateboards at (555) 555-1818.

Skaters who have impeccable ledge skills, but make it look too easy for anyone to fully appreciate it. Steady paycheck.  Good benefits. If interested, call Girl Skateboards at (555) 555-GIRL.

Stereo Sound Agency is looking for young, enthusiastic young rippers! If people tell you that you're talented and have a 'can-do' attitude, but you're not so much about being classified as 'well-known' or 'respected' or 'paid' then give us a call now at (555) 555-XENU!
 Skaters who have really smooth style, but don't really like to be filmed. Like, ever. We're Chocolate. Call us at (555)-555-CHOC.

Skaters who are really good, but everyone just seems to hate on you for some reason or another. We're especially looking for individuals who don't mind if we call them by the first letter of their first name and the first syllable of their last name, as that is the only method we know for coming up with nicknames. Give us a call. Plan B Skateboards: (555) 555-D-WAY

Shake Junt! We out here slinging bearings and griptape. If you're the homie, that's a plus. Getting buck a requirement. Hit us up: (555) 555-CHICKENBONENOWISON.

Dwindle Distribution is looking for exceptional skateboarders to skate our exceptional product. Please call the number assigned to the quality that best describes your style of skating:
Extremely Technical: Almost Skateboards. (555) 555-DSM4
Fun-looking, good style: Enjoi Skateboards. (555) 555-PANDA
Good in contests: Darkstar Skateboards. (555) 555-CHET
Technical, smooth: Blind Skateboards. (555) 555-BLIND
Foreign: Cliche Skateboards. (555) 555-EURO

I won't waste your time. Selfish Skateboards wants talented people to represent them. Having reached a higher spiritual plane is definitely a plus. Call J. Casanova @(555) 555-JCAS

Hopefully I can add more later, but that's it for now.

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